September 12, 1956

After being weighed and having her blood drawn, Maddie sat in the exam room of Dr. Harris' office, wearing an ugly hospital gown which swallowed her slim body. She was a little nervous about one question she wanted to ask the obstetrician. The room was cold and she was just debating with herself whether to get up, go into the hall, find the nurse and ask for a blanket, when the door opened and Dr. Harris walked into the small room.

"Hello, Mrs. Wheeler. You're looking much better than you did the last time I saw you. I asked you to come in eight weeks after your C-section because you had to spend such a long time in the hospital. I usually see my patients six weeks after giving birth. Let's get this exam over with, then I will have you get dressed and my nurse will show you into my conference room. I find that patients are more comfortable asking questions when they are dressed and sitting in a comfortable chair."

Maddie submitted to the exam stoically; it was no better and no worse than the others she had experienced. It was just a relief to have it over. Dr. Harris made a few monosyllabic comments during the exam which sounded like he found everything normal.

Dressed again, she was taken to the consultation room, where Dr. Harris sat behind a desk, with some papers in front of him which she supposed were from her chart.

"Mrs. Wheeler, your exam shows you have recovered well overall from childbirth and surgery. You may still be experiencing fatigue at times; that is very common following general anesthesia, and can continue for several months. You are still slightly anemic, and that will cause reduced energy. I recommend continuing the iron tablets I have prescribed. You are also a little underweight. I realize some of you ladies think you can't be too thin, but I assure you that you can be too thin for optimal health. Follow a good healthy diet; this is one time in your life when you can eat all the steak you want to! Your muscle tone will improve, too, if you can get some exercise each day. Now that your incision is healed, you can be more active. Now, do you have any questions for me?"

Maddie hesitated, and swallowed the lump in her throat before she spoke the question that had been constantly on her mind.

"Dr. Harris, my husband and I haven't resumed – you know – marital relations yet. I think he's been a little afraid to touch me since I had so much … trouble. What I want to know is … is there anything I can do to keep from getting pregnant again right away? I just know … I'm not ready for another baby."

"My dear Mrs. Wheeler, I'm very sorry. I told you about this while you were in the hospital, but it must have been during the time you were so confused. I had to perform a hysterectomy because of the hemorrhage. You won't be able to get pregnant again, although you could always consider adoption if you and your husband want more children later on."

Maddie was too shocked to respond. How could it be that she had no memory of being told about the hysterectomy? How could she have been at home for nearly six weeks, and no one had ever said anything to her about it? Why in heaven's name, hadn't Matt said anything?

"Mrs. Wheeler, as I said, the surgery was necessary to save your life. I'm terribly sorry that you had to experience this at such a young age. Fortunately, I was able to save your ovaries, so you won't have to experience immediate menopause. Overall, you were lucky. A high percentage of women who experience the complications you did don't survive. I realize this news comes as a shock to you, and if you'd like to come back and discuss it more at a later date, just make an appointment with the receptionist."

Dr. Harris' eyes were kind as he looked at Maddie and reached out to shake her hand. She automatically extended her hand to him, but she felt numb inside. The words "hysterectomy" and "no more children" echoed in her mind.

Maddie arrived back home with no idea how she had gotten out of Dr. Harris' office. All during her ride home in the taxi, her thoughts were a blur. She had to ring the bell when she reached the door to the apartment, since her hands were shaking so that she could not locate her key. Irene opened the door and gasped at the sight of her employer's pale, set face.

"Mrs. Wheeler, are you all right? Do you need to lie down?"

Maddie stared at Irene as if she had never seen her before. Then, shaking her head as if to clear it, she replied, "Yes, that's what I need. I'm going to lie down and I don't want to be disturbed."

"Yes, Mrs. Wheeler." Irene nodded and went back to her work.

Maddie walked slowly back to her bedroom and turned down the bed. The sob that had been nearly choking her escaped, and she quickly went into the connecting bath and turned on the water so that she couldn't be overheard. In a few minutes she felt more in control, and threw herself down on the bed after removing her shoes and uncharacteristically dropping her Chanel suit and silk blouse onto the floor. Only then, with a pillow over her head, did she give vent to the great gulping sobs she had been holding in. So much for my dreams of a big family! Not only did I miss out on my daughter's first weeks and the breastfeeding I planned, but I'll never be able to do it over right with another child! And I don't wish Honey was a boy – she is just perfectly perfect the way she is – but I so wanted to give Matthew a son to carry on his name and business. Now that will never happen!

She cried until she had no tears left. Her eyes were swollen nearly shut and she couldn't breathe through her nose. Exhausted from her storm of crying, she finally fell asleep.

***********************

Matt entered the bedroom quietly, and took note of the scattered clothing. He tiptoed over to Maddie's side of the bed and looked at her as she slept. In the dimness of early evening he could still see the ravages of her outburst. Irene had told him that Mrs. Wheeler looked ill when she came home from he doctor's visit and hadn't been out of her room since. He wondered what the problem could be and felt the prick of fear that he felt each time he remembered her lying in the oxygen tent.

Matt checked his watch. It was six o'clock. Gently, he touched her shoulder and spoke her name. "Maddie, darling. It's Matt. Wake up and eat supper with me, dearest."

Maddie awoke with a start. Her puffy eyelids exposed only a slit of her beautiful hazel eyes. "Matt! When did you get home? What time is it?"

"Darling, I just got home. It's six o'clock and Irene said you'd been in here since you got back from the doctor. What's wrong, sweetheart?"

She sat up and pushed the hair back from her face. Grimacing slightly, she pressed her hand to her forehead. A dull headache throbbed behind her temples. Finally, she answered him.

"Matt, Dr. Harris told me today that I had to have a hysterectomy after Honey was born. He said he had told me before, but I guess I didn't remember. Why didn't you say anything about it to me?"

"Maddie, darling, I knew Dr. Harris had discussed it with you. You never mentioned it and I … I guess I thought you knew and just didn't want to talk about it. I …I really didn't know what to say. When Honey was born, I was terrified that you were going to die. The hysterectomy was nothing if it meant you would be okay." He reached out to embrace her, but she held herself stiffly and didn't respond to his touch.

"Who else knows about this? You haven't told any of our friends or your business associates, have you?"

"Sweetheart, the only people I told were your mother and sister. I told them not to tell anyone else unless you said they could. I didn't see any need for our private business to be published in all the gossip columns."

"Good. Because I couldn't bear it if I thought people were feeling sorry for me or talking about me behind my back. It's bad enough to know I can't have any more children; bad enough that I can't give you a son to inherit your business. Matt, I don't want to tell anyone else."

"I agree completely, darling. There's no reason for anyone else to know."

***********************

In the following weeks, Maddie found herself crying for seemingly no reason. She was taking part in some of the social activities her mother assured her were vital for Matt Wheeler's wife, including the organization of a major fundraising dinner to benefit the Sloane Hospital. It continued to prey on her mind that she was not going to be able to have more children. Her life's dream was shattered. She even found herself avoiding opportunities to care for Honey, because the baby was a painful reminder that there could be no more. Despite Dr. Harris' advice to gain weight, she had no appetite, and had to force herself to eat. Likewise she forced herself to walk each evening with Matt as he pushed the baby carriage.

***********************

October 10, 1956

Matt and Maddie strolled along one of the paved paths in Central Park. Maddie was huddled in a long, black swing coat, and although the weather was mild, she kept her hands jammed into the pockets.

"Darling, aren't you too hot in that coat?" Matt asked her.

"No, I'm cold," she replied. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I've always done a lot of things outside, riding and swimming – but this past summer I couldn't bear the heat and now I'm freezing if it's below seventy degrees."

"You're not eating enough. Dr. Harris said you were too thin and wanted you to gain weight. But you haven't gained any that I can see." Matt's troubled green eyes studied her pale, pinched face.

"Matt, I'm trying. I'm just not hungry. I guess I can't do anything right. First I put the nursery in the wrong place. Then I have these horrible complications and I can't even take care of my own child. I've deprived you of the chance for a son and heir to your business. You should get rid of me and find someone who can really help you."

"Maddie, don't talk like that! I love you and you are the only woman I want. You never know, Honey may decide to go into business when she grows up." Matt tried to smile at his joking comment. Girls didn't go into business! But, I have to try to help Maddie get over this inferiority complex, he thought, using a term he had read in a magazine article. I promised I'd always take care of her, and I will.